Are You Really Listening?
“Listening is like driving – most people think they are better than average, but that can’t be true.”
Ralph G. Nichols and Leonard A. Stevens write in a 1957 HBR article “that people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary aural skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening.”
‘Active listening’ is the key to getting the most out of a conversation and has numerous personal and interpersonal benefits. Listening is a misunderstood skill and one in which you probably have great potential for growth. ‘Actively listening’ can be defined as giving your complete, intentional focus to what someone says, rather than what their words literally mean. Those who listen to understand have better, happier relationships with others. If you are the person at the work who gives others the space to communicate fully and openly, co-workers and employees will be more likely to come to you with new ideas and include you in collaborative projects.
Did you know there are three forms of listening? There are three ways people typically listen actively, ranging from Subjective to Objective to Intuitive.
Subjective Listening:
When you are listening based on the agenda or the needs of the listener. Whatever is being said is related back to the listener.
For example:
Employee: I had a tough time again trying to get XYZ completed a ½ hour earlier, though I was able to do it today.
Manager: You just have to force yourself. Whenever I have something to do that I don’t want to do, I just remember the Nike shoe commercial, “Just do it.”
Objective Listening:
When you are completely focused on the person who is speaking. There are no thoughts about how any of the information relates personally to the listener.
For example:
Employee: I had a tough time again trying to get XYZ completed a ½ hour earlier, though I was able to do it today.
Manager: You had a struggle but you did it. Congratulations.
Intuitive Listening:
When you are non-judgmental and working to listen between the lines. You are listening to the person speaking, paying attention to tone, energy, feelings, etc.
For example:
Employee: I had a tough time again trying to get XYZ completed a ½ hour earlier, though I was able to do it today.
Manager: It sounds like you really want to do this and that you find it to be very challenging and maybe even a little frustrating.
Employee: Yes. I feel like I’ve tried everything – from setting calendar reminders on my phone, to post-it reminders on my desk, and I’m still struggling.
Intuitive listening is the highest level of listening. It requires not just hearing the words but tuning into the speaker’s tone, body language, and essence — in other words, what is not said — without considering how it makes the listener feel.
Intuitive listening is hard work but it is necessary if you want to listen well and have influence. Here’s how to start:
Acknowledge what they said
Validate their concerns
Ask open questions
Intuitive listening puts you in the driver’s seat and helps you to solve problems faster. It’s the key to employee engagement. That said, it is a skill that must be learned and honed. As in most personal development practices, you first have to know where you are at to see where you need to go.
When you get into a conversation with someone, keep the conversation away from you. Ask a few open ended questions that begin with why, what or how to get other person talking. Your challenge is to see how many questions you can ask and to let the other person do more of the talking than you. After the activity, reflect on how much you learned simply by giving others the spotlight. Happy Listening!